Captain's Log: Adrift

It's the morning of Wednesday September 2nd. I find myself adrift at sea. All that remains of my ship is a shorn-off slab of the hull which found buoyancy amid the waves. Yesterday I clung to it against the crashing of ocean water and torrential downpour. Today I lie flat on my back against the splintered surface, gazing up at clear skies as my I float peacefully against the ocean's surface. I take comfort in the calm. For a moment I can catch my breath, even if I remain just as lost.

The last week has been particularly difficult. I've bottled up so many feelings for so long now that I've run out of room on my shelf. I started to open some of those bottles up, and I fear I've started a process which must be completed. Some of those bottles are full of anger and rage. Others hold tremendous shame and guilt. All of them are very challenging to address. But I must reconcile with their truth nonetheless.

Cheesy prose aside, I do feel extremely lost right now. Most everything in my life has come to a stop and I am overwhelmed at the scope of the many tasks ahead of me. I don't really know where to begin, and every time I try to start I panic fall of course again and again. Yesterday I spent basically the entire day on the couch. Aside from going to the bathroom or the one time I went to the kitchen to find something to eat, I remained stuck in the same place from the moment I woke up until I fell back asleep.

So very recently I felt motivated to find a way out of this, to get back on course with my life. Once again I find that hopeful thought painfully naïve. I feel so completely overwhelmed with numbness toward any thought which may pull me out of this abyss.

And yet once again I sit back up.

It comes as a surprise every single time. Even after I tried to put it to words in one of my previous entries, I find myself confused as it happens again. Honestly I'm kind of annoyed. But somehow today I woke up and got off the couch. I cooked myself a breakfast sandwich through the pile of dishes sitting on my stove. I got outside and took a short walk around the block despite the growing heat. Now I find myself here, writing this entry when I never would've expected myself to.

To be pragmatic, there are some immediately pressing concerns to handle today. Bills need paid. I slacked on getting a new annual parking pass for my apartments complex and they start towing today. I have been avoiding an issue with my business credit card suddenly getting declined, and I need to address that before it becomes a significant issue. I also must admit that my personal hygiene has slacked once again. It's well past the point where I need to take a fucking shower. So there's plenty to do today, and plenty of reason to get off the couch.

And to my credit, as I write this I have already managed to get started. I woke up on the couch once again this morning, but unlike yesterday I was able to get myself unstuck. Somewhere in the haze of waking up I was able to submit my rent payment on my phone, as well as the extra payment for my parking pass. I knew the front office opened at 10am, and so I set an alarm and went back to sleep until I could go and fill out the paperwork. Miraculously, the alarm worked and I managed to peel myself off the cushions and venture across the parking lot shortly after 10am. I told them I had submitted my payment, they gave me a form to fill out with basic vehicle details, and I signed a lease addendum to get my sticker. I had even parked in between the leasing office and my unit, so I was easily able to slap it on there on the way back home.

And that is one task done. One task doesn't feel like much, and in all honesty all I did was tap some buttons on my phone, fill out a single page of paperwork, and put a sticker on my car. But to do more than that requires getting started in the first place. And in comparison to yesterday, an increase from zero to anything at all is incredible.

I find myself falling victim to something I'm calling the Aversion Trap. I have a strong tendency to let a negative association towards any given task keep me from addressing whatever it is I need to do. I just did this with the parking pass; I've been stressing about doing it and so I let it go until the very last minute. I noticed tow tags on cars in the apartment complex already as I walked over to the leasing office. They were clearly getting ready to start towing people. Luckily I avoided the catastrophe that would've been my car getting towed, even if I let it come pretty close.

It feels safer not to address the uncomfortable feelings associated with a task. That sounds obvious, juvenile even, to point that out. But it's the honest truth. I am a very emotionally driven person and relative to others, this is one thing I am particularly weak to.

There is another side to that trap however. Once I get over the aversion and manage to do whatever it is I've been avoiding... Surprise! I feel a lot better. All the negative emotions which were just pushing me away from the task at hand suddenly flip and turn into something positive. And those now-positive feelings can fuel me as I build momentum towards overcoming the next Aversion Trap. With the momentum of the first task in my sails I find it easier to get myself to overcome that negative emotional association towards the next thing I need to do but have been avoiding. One success leads to a second success, and the momentum builds again towards a third, and so on.

Another thing I have been avoiding is a return to intentional physical activity. In my depressive low I have fallen into a pretty sedentary routine, and I want to put the effort into getting out more and going back to the gym and so on. When you have to take that first step it's so hard to find the motivation for physical activity in such a particular way. But this morning I decided to use the momentum from getting my parking pass to fuel me on a nice walk along the bike path. And wouldn't you believe that it felt absolutely wonderful? I took this picture of some giant mushrooms growing along the path.

All that is to say: I've already made a change in my day today compared to yesterday; a pretty significant change at that. I am starting to feel the momentum building, and I want to ride that wave as far as it will take me. When I'm so lost at sea that I can't even tell which direction to move in, moving in any direction at all is better than staying still. Who knows which shoreline I will wash up on. But I certainly won't get there if I don't try. The waves are starting to pick up, so I might as well move along with their current.

So what does that look like in tangible and pragmatic terms? I've already started with bills, the obvious next step is to pay the rest. I don't know why exactly but I have so far avoided automatic payments on all my monthly bills. I live paycheck to paycheck anyway, and I prefer having to manually submit them so that I don't lose sight of it all in an automatic cycle. So, what other bills need paid?

• ✅ Rent

• ✅ Parking Pass

• Electric

• Internet

• Health Insurance

• Student Loans

• Business Credit Card Payment*

*I mentioned this in passing earlier but I'm currently dealing with an issue on my business credit card. I have a number of subscriptions and bills that automatically come out of that card and I have recently started to get payment failure notifications. I went to log into my account the other day and it asked me to NFC scan my card with my phone to verify my account. When I did that, it said the verification failed and directed me to call a certain number. It wouldn't let me into my account, and I haven't been able to log in since this attempt. I have so far avoided making that phone call. I have likely missed a payment, and I need to get off my ass and address this. But I am also, admittedly, so completely terrified to do this. I'm still struggling a lot with my finances generally, and my relationship with my credit cards isn't what I want it to be. I'm not necessarily reckless, but I am keenly aware of myself sliding down the slippery slope built exactly to catch struggling people like myself. It's a difficult position to be in because I see myself actively falling victim to predatory practices that I have no choice but to play along with. I need to get groceries after all, and when SNAP runs out sometimes there's no other option but the card. That's all to say that the business credit card task is a lot bigger than just paying my electric bills, both in terms of actual effort as well as emotional weight.

Anyway, let's focus just on this list of issues. How do I use my current momentum to get myself to complete just this specific list? I think it makes sense to tackle the credit card last. That's the biggest, most challenging one. I'm gonna focus on the other bills first, and see how I'm feeling when those are paid. Maybe I change direction into something else still before I tackle the credit card, or maybe by then I'm ready to make that phone call. Who knows! Let's just get there first...

Ok, I got myself to submit payments for: Electric, Internet, Health Insurance, and Student Loans. I still don't feel ready to call about the credit card, but I do feel better now that the rest of the bills are paid. I think it might help to just list all the failed payments that I will need to settle next after I unlock the card. I've noticed that I often find myself overestimating the consequences of a task which I'm actively avoiding. It's easy to neglect something when I'm unaware of what all is involved; often things feel like they'll be much more involved than they end up being in reality. Let's take a second to list out the secondary payments that have so far been declined that I will have to address next, just so I know what I can expect to eventually have to tackle.

• Co-working Office Space Rental - Already contacted the space manager. I can keep using the space while I figure this out. She's super chill and I appreciate her grace.

• Storage Unit Rental - This is important to address quickly. Late payments accrue fees quickly, and eventually they can just take my shit that I have in the unit. I NEED to call the guy directly and talk to him though, and phone calls are scary.

• Adobe Creative Cloud - Make sure this payment is up to date, but I don't think it's even missed a payment yet. Should be fine as long as I get the card freeze lifted.

• Google Workspace Suite - Already missed a payment, make sure it's paid when the card freeze is lifted.

• Toggl Subscription - Already missed a payment, make sure it's paid when the card freeze is lifted.

• Website Hosting Payment - I don't think it's even missed a payment yet. Should be fine as long as I get the card freeze lifted. I think I want to cancel this subscription for the time being.

Okay, that's not completely catastrophic. I do really need to sort out the storage unit issue, but I know I have at least a day or two. As long as I can get the credit card issue addressed today, (even if it takes until later this evening), I can contact the storage unit guy tomorrow and figure it out then. I have the funds, I just need to go through the hoops of making sure the guy can get his payment.

2:45pm:

I started writing this entry around 11:30am, and have come back to it a few times already. I want to start time-stamping these moments as I'm realizing that this entry is happening in parallel to my progress today. So far my entries have largely been written after the fact, but this one is sort of a log of progress that I'm coming back to throughout the day.

So after getting the bills paid and listing out second-order payments that I will have to handle after the credit card is unfrozen, I have been able to get moving in a much more physical sense. My husband is awake now. His sleep schedule has drifted pretty far off course as he has also been in his own mental health low. We're trying to lean on each other as we pull ourselves out of this funk together. It's actually been helpful to have started this entry before he woke up. I've felt like I can more specifically communicate where I'm at and what I need than I have been able to lately. Getting the words out here makes it easier to know what to say. We've decided that we both need to get out of the house, so that's our next immediate goal. We both need to shower before we go out. As much as I still want to avoid that task, I was able to commit to taking one after he takes one first. While he's in there I want to stay moving. I was able to get a few dishes done, which is a victory. Specifically, I've been avoiding the growing pile of spatulas and spoons and large cooking utensils that has been sitting in the sink. Until now! I got them all washed up and laid out to dry, and while there are plenty more dishes remaining, washing those ones specifically feels really good.

And with that, my husband has now finished his turn in the shower. The turn is now mine. As much as I want to continue avoiding this, I have committed to doing it. It will be good for me, so I'm going to do it anyway. See y'all on the other side.

4:30pm:

Some pretty unexpected things have happened in the past 2-ish hours. First, I took a nice long shower and who would've guessed... I feel a lot better afterwards! Turns out if you take care of yourself it makes it easier not to feel bad about yourself. Not only did I get myself all cleaned up, but I was also able to shave my face. I have a lot of dysphoria and dysmorphia related to my facial hair. You'd think that would make me more proactive about shaving but no... I still struggle to maintain consistency with that specific form of self-care. It leads to me feeling even worse about myself when I get low and lose that consistency. But on the other side of the coin, I feel a lot better now that I've been able to shave my face!

That's all pretty expected though; It's pretty much exactly what I said I was going to go do. But while I was in the shower my mind wandered back to the credit card situation, and the phone call that I still needed to make. By the time I got out of the shower and dried off, I was feeling more rejuvenated. I've been fighting this aversion trap all day and for once I saw an opening to attack. Before I could even put a shirt on I found myself logging back into my banking app.

I realized I was unaware of the hours of whatever call center I had to contact. I couldn't even remember the number I needed to call, so I just did what I did 2 days ago and tried to get into my banking account. Once again, I was told to call the 24/7 number on the back of my card. So... I just did it. Turns out, I was actually wrong about why my account was locked.

I wasn't delinquent like I thought I was. My specific credit card servicer had changed. I remember seeing an email about this at some point but it got lost amid everything else. Turns out I need to create a whole new account with a whole new financial institution. Still annoying, but not nearly as emotionally loaded as being late on a payment. I tried to make that account but hit another wall: I haven't received a replacement card nor have I gotten any mail with a new account number on it. The web portal I was provided to set up a new account needs one of those numbers, so once again I just need to call someone about it. I had just gotten off the phone with the old card servicer, and that wasn't as awful as those phone calls can be. I was able to easily make that second call, and the person I spoke with helped me out a lot.

Whatever happened to the card they originally sent me, I don't have it now. Maybe it got lost in the mail, maybe it got lost in my apartment. Either way, I don't have it, so the associate ordered me a new one and expedited the delivery; it should be here by Friday. Unfortunately I can't create the new account until I get that card, but that's okay. I asked about the current status of the account and while I have at this point missed a single payment, they already marked it off under a grace window. Maybe it's because of the change in servicers, maybe it's because it's my first slip-up with this new servicer, I'm not really sure. But she assured me that I have until the 19th of this month to submit a payment, which is a huge relief.

And that's about as much as I can do for now on that specific task. I can't say that's how I expected it to play out but I'm also by no means complaining. I do need to act on some of those second-order payments, particularly the storage unit. But I can make a temporary payment directly while I'm waiting for the replacement business credit card. Better to get that payment submitted now than to wait any further. That'll be my next step in that whole realm of things.

For now though, my husband and I committed to each other that we'd run some errands after we each took showers. He's been baking bread! And he needs a few more jars to hold his starter and discard and all that. We're gonna go peruse a thrift store or two to see what we can find before we fall back on a big box store that will hopefully have a large enough jar if we can't find something better elsewhere. I'm excited to get outside and scratch that thrifting itch, even if I just spent all my money on bills. Looking never hurt anyone. I'll come back to this entry once we're back from our adventures.

7:45pm:

So the search for a jar was successful! We visited a local thrift store as well as a vendor hall style place in our local mall called Peddler's Junction. It's the kind of place where anyone can rent a small booth and sell whatever, and it's all set up in the corpse of a JCPenny's or some other mall retailer anchor store. I really enjoy going to Peddler's Junction, its like 80 different thrift stores in one place. This place also has no cell reception, and its an interesting experience stumbling across a vintage find and not being able to google it on the spot. Not bad, just interesting.

Unfortunately we had to make our visit short. We only got there about 40 minutes before they closed. We passed down a few of the aisles and went past a few particular stands which I know carry lots of glasswares. In the end we didn't find the anything just right, but we had to go to a big box grocery store next and we knew we could fall back on their generic canning and jarring aisle. We did find a mason jar there that was close enough to what he needed so we got that while we picked up a few other grocery items. I also finally picked up an updated prescription, which is good!

So in the end we found a good jar! Even if we didn't find a thrifted option, we still went out of our way to look for one first. After the grocery store we realized it was late enough in the day and we were starting to get hungry... looks like it's dinner time! Somehow after all the bills we had enough to spare for a light dinner. Nothing too expensive, but we decided to shoot our shot at a local sit down restaurant we hadn't been to before.

I won't bury the lead here: this experience was a huge victory for me. I get really overstimulated in restaurant environments, and many of my weaker moments have happened in some kind of sit-down place like this. When we went in we sat down immediately, which was a good first sign. They weren't too busy, and despite the dining room consisting of one singular large open space with wood panelling from corner to corner, it wasn't as violently loud as these types of spaces can get. The vibe was definitely not the friendliest, in the specific sense that we are 2 male-presenting queers obviously getting dinner together. The whole place felt a little too republican, and that's about as specific as I can be about it. Fortunately nobody was outright hostile. There was no confrontation or altercation, I was just a little aware of everyone around me and keeping my guard up.

But we decided to stay. Unfortunately, this is where things slowed down. We got there at like 6:30ish. They told us as we came in to take any seat, and we waited over 10 minutes to even be given menus. And another 10 minutes for them to come by and ask for drinks. It was already 7pm by the time we decided to just leave. They hadn't even taken our orders, so we just laughed it off and left. Taco Bell was next door so we put in an order, pulled up, and took our food home to eat. It was extremely yummy in the specific way that only Taco Bell can be. I see this as a pretty big victory for myself. Like I said many of my weaker moments have happened in restaurants when stuff like this happens. I am proud that none of those moments have involved me harassing wait staff or restaurant employees, but I still have my ways of crashing out internally when stuff like this happens. Instead I was able to let it bounce off me and go with the flow. We were pretty hungry by this point, and we already considered fast-food when we started deciding where to go for dinner. In the end it came back to Taco Bell, and they are is nothing if not fast. It meant we could go home immediately too.

And so finally we arrived home. We were able to manage bringing groceries in with the food in one trip. I threw any cold stuff in the fridge while my husband got the food out in the living room. I even made the intentional choice to sit in the side chair instead of the couch. I've noticed that the couch is currently very sticky. I'm sitting down there a lot and finding it hard to get back up. So I want to try to practice being intentional with when I sit there. I don't want to just default to that as "my spot" because that's where I've been existing a lot lately. I had asked on the way home if my husband could take the couch just so that I didn't go to it out of habit, and by the time I was done in the kitchen he had found his seat. It made it that tiny bit easier to find my own seat in the side chair like I was hoping.

We're currently watching our way through Invader Zim and got another episode completed while we ate. It was actually one of my favorite episodes so far: Episode 23 - Mysterious Mysteries. I enjoyed this take on the trope of an in-universe spooky paranormal tv-show. There's a funny moment where they somehow managed to predict the current social media meme format where a single frame flashes over whatever video you're watching for like a single frame. This episode came out in 2002 and it fits that format exactly. This show has lots of predictive moments like that.

Now I need to call my mom. We've been texting throughout the day and I committed to calling her at some point. It's past 8pm now, so I should get on that. I'm gonna go walk around outside while we talk. I left my headphones in the car anyway. I have become dependent on wireless headphones to talk on the phone, so I need to go back out and get those. Why not just stay outside while we talk. When I get back I would like to get some chores done before I settle in for the night. We'll see how I'm feeling when I actually get there.

10:00pm:

Ok so I ended up talking with my mom for over 40 minutes. It was a nice conversation, I just didn't think I'd yap that long. It felt good to share today's successes with her. It was honestly nice just to have to reflect on today and recognize how successful it has been. When I got back I felt like I had more energy still, and decided to tackle a few of the house chores I threw on my list earlier today. Here's what I laid out earlier as hopeful cleaning tasks for today:

• Scoop the Cat Boxes

• Do the Dishes

• Take out the Trash

• Clean the Bathroom Sink

• Scrub the Toilet

• Do a Load of Laundry

• Pick up misc. mess around the Apartment

• Take the Shopping Cart to the Car

• Vacuum the Floors

• Change the Bedsheets

As far as where I'm at with those tasks: The dishes have been started. I'm closer than I've been in a week or two to a fully reset and cleaned up kitchen. Let's start there since it's also a task that has worked in the past as a first step to spur momentum. My husband and I also committed to some shared chores-ing still. He agreed to tackle the bathroom sinks and the litter boxes, so I don't have to worry about those myself. I'm gonna get moving in the kitchen and try to finish up the hand wash dishes. I do think it'd be nice to finish tonight by changing the bedsheets. It'd be really nice to sleep on some clean sheets tonight.

11:45pm:

I would like to get to a place where my evenings are calm and relaxing. But the current reality is that staying up and continuing to work on stuff like house chores this late into the night is not new to me. If I'm not overwhelmed to the point of shutdown and passing out before 9pm, then I'm probably already up till 1-2am. I know that as I handle the catastrophe that is my sleep schedule and my relationship with sleep in general, I will have to let go of late nights like these. However I am where I am right now, and given the context of how my days have gone recently, this is allowed to be a success. So, what have we gotten done in the past hour and 45 minutes?

✅ Scoop the Cat Boxes
✅ Do the Dishes
✅ Take out the Trash
✅ Clean the Bathroom Sink
✅ Scrub the Toilet
➡️ Do a Load of Laundry
✅ Pick up misc. mess around the Apartment
✅ Take the Shopping Cart to the Car
✅ Vacuum the Floors
✅ Change the Bedsheets
✅ Finish putting Clothes away
✅ Take the Shopping Cart to the Car

I'm really pleased with this. Even if I technically didn't do every single thing on the list, the only task that remains unfinished was intentionally pushed to tomorrow, and that is ok. I do also appreciate the help from my husband (A is their first initial, if you were wondering why I chose that emoji). Overall, I feel comfortable saying I completed the list of chores I laid out for myself this morning. I didn't even particularly force myself to finish. That is something I have struggled with, but in this moment I was riding the wave of a late-evening burst of energy. It took me all the way down the list. Honestly, I was ready to call it after I finished vacuuming the living room. But I went to my list and saw that I was left with a single task. All I had to do to 100% complete the list was to take our little folding shopping cart back to the car trunk. It just lives in there so when we go to the store we can use it to bring groceries inside. It often finds itself in the way in our living room by the front door longer than it should. I slipped my husbands crocs on and took it to the car, fueled by the incoming dopamine hit of checking off the final item on my list and seeing the whole thing 100% complete.

With all that said I do think it's time to start winding down for the night. My physical energy is coming down now. There are still things that need done around the house but there's not nearly enough urgency for me to need to keep doing chores this late. Whatever is left can wait until tomorrow. My brain is still moving pretty quickly though. I think finishing out this post would be a nice way to wind down for the night.

I'm still learning what these Journal entries look like. I never really know what one will be about when I start it. Looking back at what I've written today, before edits, I have over 7000 words all about one day. Somewhere along the way it turned into a stream of consciousness record of my day filled out in parallel with the day itself. I think that's good enough for it's own entry, especially if I'm nearing this many words about it. I think I'll try to wrap this up shortly and take a quick pass over what I've written. Beyond that though, I don't think this is a piece of writing that needs as through of an editing pass. Sometimes things can be a little looser, and that's okay. I think a once over to check for typos and other grammatical errors is valuable. So far I have enjoyed printing these entries out and editing them by hand at least once, but I don't know that I need to do that with this one. Before I do that, there are 2 things I want to do to wrap this entry up.

Looking Back on Today

I think it's worth it to take the time to compile a singular list of all the things I did today. These tasks are all wildly different in many senses, like physical effort, time spent, emotional weight, etc. I was able to do a lot today, which is a huge change from yesterday. I want to see it all together in one big long list so I can feel proud of myself:

• I woke up and submitted my rent payment as well as an additional payment for a new annual parking pass.

• When the leasing office opened at 10am, I got up and went over to fill out the paperwork and retrieve my pass. I put it on my car on the way back to the house.

• I took a nice little walk outside in the sun this morning before it got too hatefully hot outside.

• I paid the rest of my monthly bills.

• I got started on several house chores and committed to some body-double cleaning time with my husband later in the day.

• I finally took a nice long shower, shaved my face, and brushed my teeth.

• I called about my business credit card and made progress to setting up my new account. I also learned that I'm not delinquent on payments like I thought I was!.

• My husband and I went on an adventure to look for jars. Not only did we find what we were looking for, we made it to the grocery store and I even picked up my new prescription.

• We tried to get dinner and didn't let it ruin our day when they kept us waiting over 30 minutes to order.

• Taco Bell was yummy instead and we got to watch another episode of a show we're trying to finish together.

• I called my mom after putting it off for a few days too long.

• With my husband's help we got the complete list of chores I laid out this morning done:

  • Scooped the cat boxes

  • Washed all the dirty dishes

  • Took the trash out

  • Cleaned out the bathroom sink

  • Scrubbed the toilet

  • Picked up more misc. mess that has accumulated around the apartment

  • Took the shopping cart back to it's place in the trunk

  • Finished putting folded clothes away

  • Vacuumed the living room floor

  • Changed our bedsheets

• I also wrote this journal entry along the way, which was tremendously helpful.

That's a pretty sizable list. Definitely something to feel proud of. And y'know, I do feel proud. I was able to do so much today, and a pretty wide variety of tasks at that. We're up to date with all our bills, and that's such a huge relief. Significant progress has been made towards the backlog of house chores that have built up, and it feels good to be in a cleaner space. And I broke another cycle of self isolation and called my mom back. It's nice to get to talk to her like this through everything.

That's a good pivot to how I want to end this section looking back on today. I have learned that gratitude journaling is not only actually rigorously proven to improve moods for most people broadly, but it is specifically effective for me and I have seen it prove effective through my direct experience. That said, I want to take one last pass through my day, but instead of pulling out specific things I did, I want to try to acknowledge people and things that I am grateful for. I know that this form of gratitude journaling has worked for me in the past. Usually it takes the form of choosing one thing in specific to write about per day, but given that we're already this deep in the paint on one single day, let's just see how many we can find in total. Can't hurt to be more grateful, right?

1. Myself - I need to practice this more. But ultimately, every single thing I did today would not have gotten done if I didn't do it. But I did! I may not know how I manage it but I was somehow able to turn today into the success that it became. I remember being on the couch early this morning. It was before I got up to go over to the leasing office, around the time I submitted that rent payment and set an alarm so I could get a little more sleep while I waited for the office to open. I thought to myself at some point "I don't want to rot on the couch again all day." In the end I didn't, and I'm grateful for myself and my ability to achieve that. It feels really good now that I'm on the other side of the day.

2. My Husband - My husband and I have been through so much. We've both dealt with a lot of emotional struggle in our time together, and I always feel more connected with him as we spend more time in the Pit together. Sometimes all you need is someone to sit with you in the Pit. I am so grateful for his company, his support, and his love as I make my way along this journey.

3. My Parents - Since this is all public, let's use this as a chance to look at an elephant that may have found its way into the room. I've talked about struggling financially, and also I miraculously had all the money to pay all my bills today. The honest truth is that I am relying on my family to help me through this broader moment financially. I am so deeply grateful for this support. I know it is extremely privileged to have parents who have both the financial ability to help me through this, as well as the desire to do so. Not everyone's family is as supportive as mine has been, and I am endlessly grateful for their help.

4. My Brother - Alongside writing this journal entry, I've been talking with my brother. He's a fairly busy person, and sometimes we go a while without talking. But I did kind of reach out to him in a panicked spiral last night while I was shutdown and overwhelmed. I thought it was important to keep him updated as I made progress today. He's been really supportive and helped me celebrate the victories along the way today. I'm grateful to have him in my life and his support helps in the ways that only a sibling can provide.

5. My Friend Bro - Yes he goes by Bro. I didn't write about this specifically, but after I got off the phone with my credit card servicer, and before we left to go on our Jar Adventure, I got a call from Bro. He gave a coworker a ride home and found himself in our apartment complex. He wanted to know if he could stop by for a minute to say hello. It was so nice to see him, and to get to tell him how I found myself smack in the middle of such a successful day. Bro means a lot to me, and I'm so grateful that he took the time to stop by and say hello. It really put a smile on my face. Actually, now that I think about it, I wouldn't be surprised if that alone made enough of a difference in my overall mood that made it possible to turn the later situation at the restaurant into a victory like I did. I have no proof but I'm willing to give Bro credit for that. Thanks Bro!

Looking Ahead to Tomorrow

So as I look forward to tomorrow, I should acknowledge the PHP program that I'm still enrolled in. The truth is that I called in this morning and told them I wouldn't be making it. I did the same yesterday too, but for different reasons. Where as yesterday that call came from a place of total shutdown, today it came from a place of meeting my own emotional needs. I know this program is important, and I don't want to be neglectful of it. But I needed to spend today how I ended up spending it. If anything, I couldn't let my car get towed and I needed to get my parking pass when the leasing office opened. Whether or not I was at risk of actually getting towed, the anxiety had grown large enough in my head that I needed to address it first. To get to my sessions on time I have to leave around 7am, but I needed to go to the leasing office and they didn't open until 10am. I was hopeful that I could use that to build momentum towards other tasks I had been putting off, so I made an intentional decision to take today for myself. I'm glad it paid off the way it did, but that is all to say that I need to go tomorrow. I'm lucky that the program itself is individually paced and flexible. Within reason, I think there's room to miss a day or two like this and if anything it just pushes my graduation back a day or two. I'm okay with that, but I don't want to push it any further. So tomorrow, I need to wake up and go to my treatment session again.

My husband also asked me for a list of chores he can work on while I'm gone. I take the lead on house chores broadly just because of how my anxieties manifest, but I can always ask for his help. Sometimes it's hard for me to do that; it's hard for me to ask for help in general and it's easy for me to just take on the burden of too many things without asking for help that is easily available to me. I really appreciate that he asked me for a list like he did, so I think I want to take a second to think about what all could get done tomorrow. I'll write it on a white board we have in the kitchen so he can get to stuff in his own time. For the sake of completion, here's what I laid out for potential chores tomorrow. We don't need to do all of them but if either my husband or I find the energy, this is what we can focus it towards:

• Do some laundry

  • Wash the bathroom floor mats

• Go to the store for drain supplies

  • Unclog the bathroom sink

• Vacuum the bedroom and office

• Clear off office desks

• Tidy up the mess that we've just kind of left on the floor in the office

• Tidy off the headboard / nightstands in the bedroom

• Clear old leftovers from the fridge

• Wash dirty smoking equipment (change your bongwater folks!)

In addition to chores, there are 2 other things I want to include in my thoughts on tomorrow. At some point today my husband and I passingly committed to going back to the gym tomorrow. I don't know how serious he was being, exactly, but I was being very serious. We've both been trying to get ourselves to go back to the gym, and we've both been putting it off. I don't want to do that anymore. I was doing so much better when I was working out previously. It's good for my health, both physical and mental, and I want to get back to it. It's time to stop putting it off. We both recognize that, and while today was not the day, we did commit to tomorrow. Let's keep that on the radar going into tomorrow.

I also want to try to see Coyote vs. Acme while it's still in theaters. I haven't been an active theater goer since the Pandemic, but this is one I don't want to miss. I have a soft spot for the animation industry which this film is in many ways a love letter towards. I also want to participate in the initiative to make this film in particular a success if only to bring embarrassment to David Zaslav (cursed be his name). Our local theater is showing it still, and I want to try to make it to a showing before it leaves. Tomorrow may not be the day, but I want to keep it on my immediate radar. If I had to choose between going to the gym or seeing this movie tomorrow, I'd lean towards the gym. But if not tomorrow then Friday for sure. I'm actually really excited for this one.

That feels pretty comprehensive to me. My PHP session will take most of the morning and early afternoon. I usually get home around 3pm when I'm not visiting my parents between sessions. That leaves a decent chunk of time to try to stay moving and get some chores done before we either hit the gym or go to the movies in the evening. I think that's a good plan to take into tomorrow.